THEN REALITY HIT ME

Well the I woke up from Brandon, it was christmas eve and we were having a lovely time, everything was going good, we were in the kitchen making coffee when the car pulled into the driveway.  He said hold on that he knew who it was he went outside, well i thought it might be the guy that had been stalking me seeing as he had stopped by earlier that day, then i heard

screaming and argueing...and it was a females voice amoung Brandons.

what is going on...my mind was racing, i walked through the kitchen, diobeying Brandons orders to stay there.  As i walked through the living room my mom asked whats going on and i said i think there is a fight about to start and i want to go out there...well my mom went ahead of me...but i was close at her heels, we get to the edge of Brandons blazer and i stop my mom walks a little further....

Then i heard the females voice yell, why dont you tell Sams mom what you just told me, noone knew  i was there but my mom...i turned and walked back to the houe, not even to look at who it was, brandon came in and i gave him an evil look and said who is she, and he said i cant do anything right tonight can i and i said i guess not, i went to the bathroom he followed i sat on the tube and started shaking my leg...who is she i demanded he said a friend, i said does your friend have a name and he answered not right now she doesnt....

so on and so forth, he leaves, we are done....then while at a friends house i was told who the female was.....shes married and has kids...one of which used to be one of my best friends....and a five year old....that isnt even the husbands....

sounds like a soap opera right!!! welcome to my world...i have been to her house and she acted like i didnt know and i acted like she i didnt either...n brandon came over and had to look at us both ...it was sweet victory for me...later at another friends house he comes over...we talk ....he still loves me i still love him but we just cant be together because i wont let it...and plus something amazing happened when i moved to centralia for 2 weeks...

I met Raymond Dean Rorrie....and now i know a whole different kind of love....Brandon was my first love ...my true love...but ray,,,,we he is my other half...the yin to my yang.....and i love him with all of my broken yet getting fixed heart....actually hes healed my heart more than ever.....we want to spend our lives together....have a family...just be us....FOREVER..

AND WE BOTH ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE IDEA

confused much

I love him...I do..I always have and I always will...he is my world..my heart...my soul....his name...as previously mentioned is Brandon Lee Steele and now he is in my life again and he just completes me and makes me who I am...as I write this...my main thing is that what would Mikey say....thats what matters to me right now....MIKEY...I cant bring him back...see everything goes to him...but Brandon.....Tomorrow he is coming by and I hope that it goes well because I love him and I am just tired of fucking the two of us up...He is my LOVE and he just doesnt trust me or whatever....and I dont think that we will ever be okay and I am not okay with that and now I wonder if he is thinkin of me or if he just wants some or something like that because that is just not me...we went on a date thing the other night and now i dont know maybe i am stuck on him because i love him and i have for the longest time and now i am just ..i dont know maybe i am just confused that could be it i know that it could but i dont want it to be because that is Brandon...My Baby...well we will see what happens

MIKEY OH MIKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me and Brandon haven't been together for over a year now and well I had been hanging out in Richview with my friends and I met Mikey again....for the first time since grade school and well frankly I liked him....and we ended up having sex and then a while later I started to date his brother....but me and Mikey were always around each other and we loved each other and well I went to prison and the day after I got home....I heard the horrid news...

Mikey and his slut girlfriend and his mother all got into an arguement that led kari to say...just go kill yourself....

He went missing for 2 hours and then they found some black guy under a bridge in wamac....in the area with all the drug dealers.....come to find out...it was mikey....but mikey is white...well he was beaten so bad he was black...noone knows what really happened...honestly I do not believe that Mikey would EVER EVER EVER do that...it just ,.,,NNOOOOOO!!!!

My opinion is that he got mad...went to go get drugs...something happened and bam....dead...

other possabilities that everyone has been talking about are:

Point blank ...he jumped

he was sitting on the overpass and fell off

he was sitting on the overpass and was pushed off

he got beat to death

but i dont know i dont even know how to handle it all honestly and well I LOVE MIKEY!!!! I miss him beyond anything that i can explain...he was the best person i knewwwwwwww!!!!!!!I'm hysterical....silently screaming for him... i need him....I havent even seen him in almost a year and now ill never see him again..never again WHAT THE FUCK MAN

Its just hitting me bad....November 15 2008 will forever be etched into my mind....That is the day mikey died...i hate hate that word...died...its like its not real like it is just some stupid word...like it doesnt describe someone who was a big part of my world....he was ALWAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssss there for me and i want to scream at the top of my lungs for him to just come back and it can be us kickin it again....im scared about how this makes me feel i miss my MIKEY..he just wouldnt kill himself he just wouldnt i know that he wouldnt....thats just not mikey

Me and MIKEY

SammieRox420 (6:31:10 PM): im not trying to bitch..but i know what the hell is going on and i got offended that you didnt even care if i was ok

NillasBoi (6:31:11 PM): look

NillasBoi (6:31:19 PM): i am fuckin sorry that i didn't ask if you were ok

NillasBoi (6:31:25 PM): i am sorry i didn't have the patience

SammieRox420 (6:31:33 PM): its ok...

NillasBoi (6:31:29 PM): i am sorry for alot of shit

NillasBoi (6:31:37 PM): but one thin i do know for a fact is that i fuckin love you

NillasBoi (6:31:42 PM): and you want to know why i really didn't ask

NillasBoi (6:31:45 PM): if you were ok or not

NillasBoi (6:31:53 PM): cuz if somethin was wrong with you i didn't want ot know it

NillasBoi (6:31:57 PM): cuz i know that i would fuckin worry bout it

NillasBoi (6:32:03 PM): and get all protective over you

NillasBoi (6:32:10 PM): and trust me when i am protective

NillasBoi (6:32:25 PM): i don't like some one leavin that i am supposed to be protecting becuz i want them to be safe and heal god damit

NillasBoi (6:32:32 PM): i don't do this shit becuz i am a asshole

NillasBoi (6:32:39 PM): i do it becuz i want to protect you from me

NillasBoi (6:32:46 PM): becuz trust me i am a fucing nightmare ok

NillasBoi (6:32:52 PM): i exsist to cause others pain

NillasBoi (6:32:55 PM): thats my job in life

NillasBoi (6:33:04 PM): i cause them pain and then i save their life at the last min

NillasBoi (6:33:07 PM): it is a game to me

NillasBoi (6:33:13 PM): so if you don't want me i understand

NillasBoi (6:33:28 PM): but jesus learn somethin else bout me before you start screamin that i didn't ask you if youwer eok

NillasBoi (6:33:30 PM): i am sorry

NillasBoi (6:33:33 PM): ill just fuckin go

NillasBoi (6:33:36 PM): love ya

SammieRox420 (6:33:44 PM): no

NillasBoi (6:33:36 PM): bye

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SammieRox420 (6:33:46 PM): dont go

SammieRox420 (6:33:52 PM): please

SammieRox420 (6:33:55 PM): ......................

NillasBoi (6:33:51 PM): why

NillasBoi (6:33:54 PM): why should i stay

NillasBoi (6:33:58 PM): if every time i talk to you

NillasBoi (6:34:02 PM): i get this worry that you will get hurt

NillasBoi (6:34:19 PM): why should i stay if i care bout you so much tht when you do stupid shit like that you don't carE?

SammieRox420 (6:34:33 PM): cause what you just said........that seriously touched me....its the best thing someone has said to me in a long time

NillasBoi (6:34:29 PM): why should i stay if you DON'T FUCKIN LOVE ME

SammieRox420 (6:34:38 PM): i do care

NillasBoi (6:35:43 PM): ill jsut go

NillasBoi (6:35:45 PM): i am sorry

SammieRox420 (6:35:55 PM): its just i want someone who can fuckin hold me and what i am afraid of is...well i dont want my heart re ripped out cause i only have millions of pieces left...that still need to be glued back together cause i have been fucked up so many times that i can barely take it anymore...i have been having the worst time ever

NillasBoi (6:35:51 PM): i/ hope you get better

SammieRox420 (6:36:12 PM): its not even that....i REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU....

SammieRox420 (6:36:13 PM): thanks

SammieRox420 (6:36:30 PM): if what u want is to go then lata...w/e i cant change ur mind

NillasBoi (6:36:38 PM): the only thin that we don't have in common from what you jsut said

NillasBoi (6:36:43 PM): is that you aren't a fuck up

NillasBoi (6:36:47 PM): you weren'o a mistake

NillasBoi (6:36:52 PM): you shouldn't have ever been bore

NillasBoi (6:36:54 PM): i was

NillasBoi (6:36:57 PM): i was all of those things

SammieRox420 (6:37:08 PM): oh believe me...there are things you dont know about me i am more fucked up then what you know

NillasBoi (6:37:03 PM): my mom didn't even want me to exist

NillasBoi (6:37:05 PM): she was only 17

NillasBoi (6:37:09 PM): i never met y real dad

NillasBoi (6:37:14 PM): and if i did i would kill him

NillasBoi (6:37:32 PM): and i know i was a mistake becz look all the pain i have caused my family

NillasBoi (6:37:36 PM): i mean sure they love me

NillasBoi (6:37:41 PM): but it would have been easier on them

NillasBoi (6:37:45 PM): becuz i eat all the time

NillasBoi (6:37:51 PM): i break shit to be happy

NillasBoi (6:37:55 PM): i fight with every one

SammieRox420 (6:38:18 PM): welcome tomy life

SammieRox420 (6:38:20 PM): to my

NillasBoi (6:38:16 PM): and some time i eye my dads gun and wonder if i should justr finish what i started 13 years ago

NillasBoi (6:38:25 PM): when i took all thoe pills

NillasBoi (6:38:32 PM): i almost did it the other day

NillasBoi (6:38:37 PM): i was a trigger away

NillasBoi (6:38:45 PM): just one second and i would have been free

NillasBoi (6:38:54 PM): but then you came bouncin along

NillasBoi (6:39:00 PM): you took it al back

NillasBoi (6:39:06 PM): you gave me one last chance ok

NillasBoi (6:39:57 PM): thats why i don't wnat anythin to happen to you becuz even tho ill never be with you i can' just shake the idea that i should protect you becuz you were meant to be with some one who loves and cares bout you just as much as i do and will more than i could ever explain

NillasBoi (6:40:04 PM): thts why i don't lie hearin that you got hurt

NillasBoi (6:40:07 PM): or that you do drugs

NillasBoi (6:40:10 PM): ro antyhin like that

SammieRox420 (6:40:21 PM): i was about to bitch you out about suicide...even though i have tried it....thought about it...and then got over it cause i saw the pain it causes...and then i saw what you said and it made it all go away

NillasBoi (6:40:15 PM): i don't want you to turn out like me

SammieRox420 (6:40:41 PM): im past you

SammieRox420 (6:41:12 PM): little do you know i have ruined my perfectly planned life...everything would have been given to me....unlike how ur family loves you..mine has told me they hate me

SammieRox420 (6:41:42 PM): that fuckin hurts...they tell me im a fuck up...they tell me i am a peice of shit and when i say that i am getting my life on track they think i am lieing

SammieRox420 (6:41:56 PM): i am set up for failure..karma is coming around to kick my ass..

SammieRox420 (6:42:11 PM): everything that i did in the past is holding me back from every fuckin thing now

SammieRox420 (6:43:14 PM): i went from getting straight A's in school up to sophmore year...to being a drop out living with her mother with her ged...on probation...getting screwed over left and right....ect....and that is y i started doing drugs more...so i wouldnt have to see what a horrible person i have become

SammieRox420 (6:43:46 PM): and now the drugs wont even take that away...the only thing that took it away...i screwed up and now that is gone so what else am i supposed to say

SammieRox420 (6:43:47 PM): u know

NillasBoi (6:45:19 PM): i understand perfectly wher eyou are coming from theres alot more to met than you or any one else will ever find out bout and if i can help it that even i will forget ever happened but the alcohol doesn't work the ex doesn't work i can go on but all i am sayin is that i don't want you to fuckin get hurt and if you keep on the path you are goi on ill have to kick your ass becuz i fuckin love you

NillasBoi (6:45:25 PM): an di don't want to see you get hurt god damit

NillasBoi (6:45:33 PM): if you ever listen to any one in your fuckin life

NillasBoi (6:45:36 PM): listen to me

NillasBoi (6:45:38 PM): irght now

NillasBoi (6:46:33 PM): DON'T BE FUCKING STUPID YOU REN'T A FUCK UP YOU AREN'YT PATHETIC AND YOU CAN AND WILL FIX YOUR LIFE AND IWILL STAND HERE AND MAKE SURE YOU DO IT GOD DAMIT NO MATTER WHAT OR HOW LONG IT TAKES

SammieRox420 (6:49:26 PM): Thanks...it means alot it really does....its just...i cant be fixed...not again...everything has begun to crumble and sure i can ignore it...but it will still be there getting bigger and bigger and right now that is all that i can do and i did quit listening to all those people cause they .....suck....idk....and i want you to be able to be there for me...i do...but what if you cant........what if you find out maybe i am a fuck up and too much for you to handle ....then where does that leave me...hurt ONCE A-FUCKIN-GAIN

NillasBoi (6:50:04 PM): I FUCKIN PROMISE YOU I WILL STAND BY YOUR SIDE UNTIL I SEE THAT YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL NO MATTER HOW LONG AND YOU WILL NEVER BE A FUCK UP NOT TO ME

SammieRox420 (6:50:28 PM): Thanks

SammieRox420 (6:50:35 PM): i hope so and hope that i am not

NillasBoi (6:50:41 PM): YOU AREN'T GOD DAMIT LISTNE TO ME

SammieRox420 (6:51:04 PM): yea i am..

NillasBoi (6:51:03 PM): GOD DAMIT

NillasBoi (6:51:06 PM): DO YOU CARE BOUT ME?

SammieRox420 (6:51:22 PM): yes

NillasBoi (6:51:14 PM): DO YOU CARE IF ANYTHIN HAPPENS TO ME?

SammieRox420 (6:51:25 PM): yes

NillasBoi (6:51:20 PM): THEN I PROMISE YOU THIS

NillasBoi (6:51:41 PM): IF YOU DON'T START REALIZIN YOUR POTENTIAL THEN I WILL START TAKIN ALL YOUR KARMA AND GIVING IT TO ME

NillasBoi (6:51:46 PM): ALL THE BAD SHIT IN YOUR FUCKIN LIFE

NillasBoi (6:51:56 PM): I REALLY WILL FIND A WAY AND TAKE IT FROM YOU

NillasBoi (6:52:04 PM): SO THAT ANYTHIN BAD MEANT TO HAPPEN TO YOU

NillasBoi (6:52:11 PM): WILL INFLCT UPON ME

NillasBoi (6:52:23 PM): G FSF

SammieRox420 (6:52:50 PM): if there was a way to do that ...i still wouldnt let you...

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SammieRox420 (6:52:56 PM): i brought it upon myself

NillasBoi (6:52:57 PM): AND I WILL TAKE IT FROM YOU

NillasBoi (6:53:03 PM): i fuckin love you man so shut the hell up

SammieRox420 (6:53:19 PM): k fine

NillasBoi (6:53:41 PM): are down?

NillasBoi (6:53:44 PM): are you done?

SammieRox420 (6:54:06 PM): i guess i am

NillasBoi (6:54:04 PM): are you srue?

SammieRox420 (6:54:18 PM): yea

12 7(8) 07

How can something go from being the biggest day dream since day one...to becoming reality...every dream I had from the day I met him was fulfilled well almost everything...he knows I love him with all my heart and that I can keep it together cause I know he loves me!!!!!!!

So DUSTIN was amazing too ..with the whole luda situation..he just kept helping me and then Tiff..said she thinks DUSTIN likes me...I REALLY HOPE THAT WORKS OUT..

I mean he isnt perfect but who is...he may have flaws...sure these are more dangerous and idiotic...but maybe one day i can get him to quit the stupid shit...which i doubt i could or if he would even ever give me that chance but i really like Dustin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why did..~*~HE~*~ have to start this...i was doing ass good as possible for me..and then after the past couple of days it was like wow...to just feel his lips on mine was sheer satifaction and pure PERFECT

Nick!~*~*~Joey..Eric

Well so met this guy named Nick I think he is an amazing person, but i'm afraid he would be in it just for sex and I dont know if I can seriously handle that in my life...well I know that I wont be able to take it...but he is amazing...we are so much in sync....he is a Gemini!!!!

and I know this sounds bad but there is also Joey that I like but don't think I have a chance with him

Eric is awesome...I wish I could have him...but is that a good idea